she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm too high and old for this...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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