I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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