thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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