So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
