sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
