I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
