You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
