Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
