Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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