They should really pass out barf bags in church
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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