oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Will exercising make me less horny?
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