He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
