Cold hands, warm shart.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
