At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
