In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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