the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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