I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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