I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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