so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
