I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
