I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
