I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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