Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
