I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
