if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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