i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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