we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
