we have pet lesbian snakes
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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