My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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