There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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