Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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