Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
