swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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