My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
