well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
