I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
