Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
