While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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