I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
