I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
