he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
