forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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