I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
