I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
