I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
do herpes really smell.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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