i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
