Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
