FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
