I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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