Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
It's shark week go big or go home
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
